The Difficult Conversation
Anyone who has been a principal for any length of time has had the unique pleasure of being on the receiving end of a difficult conversation. Well, it’s not usually a “conversation” as the other person seems to do all the talking (really, yelling)—it does not feel much like a conversation. These “conversations” can be coming to you from a parent, board member, or staff member. Remember, that these are opportunities to test the mettle of your resolve, professionalism, and leadership. If you succumb to the temptation of demeaning yourself into allowing this “conversation” to dissolve into a shouting match, you will likely be diminishing your esteem and say something for which you will need to later apologize. Having been in the hot seat several times myself, allow me to share several tips to stay cool and manage in a way that maintains dignity and a leadership stature.
1. As the person appears at your door and you can tell he is not there to wish you a happy birthday, see if you can quickly anticipate what the other person may have experienced to cause him angst. This will get your brain working already to empathize and perhaps solutionize a bit BUT do not offer anything until you have really heard the other person.
2. Know and remember that when a person acts irrationally or heatedly, it is rarely because of you. You do not know what else may have occurred in the other person’s day or life history that could have aroused this anger. So, permit yourself to be the sounding board for the other persons very real pain, anger, or confusion.
3. It is absolutely critical that above all else, remain calm! Feel the other person’s pain. Truly make efforts to empathize and understand why, from the other’s perspective, there is so much anger and concern. Do not jump in, interrupt, nor try to calm the other person. I try to imagine an invisible “force field” around me which protects me personally but allows me to still hear out the other person’s feelings. Keep breathing calmly while leaning in to understand where this is coming from. Verbally acknowledge the feelings of the other.
4. Be curious to find out more. Follow up, within a pause, to ask open-ended clarifying questions. Say that you curious to find out all the facts. Allow him to vent and complete everything he wants to say, without cutting him off. Allow him to talk until there is a good ten seconds of silence while you “take it all in.” Then sincerely ask, “is there anything else? I want to make sure I fully understand your problem.”
5. Keep your body language in 100% invested mode. No phone calls, no texts, no laptop, no interruptions. Close your door, lean in, maintain good eye contact, and take notes, if necessary.
6. Repeat what you believe you have heard, ensuring understanding and clarity from the OTHER person’s perspective. Ask, “Is that correct? Am I understanding what occurred? Am I missing anything?” Be certain, as well, to include the feeling tone, the anger, concern, sadness etc., that the other person is feeling. Reflect that you understand the pain or disappointment.
7. At this point, apologize for the pain caused and thank the person for coming to see you personally about the matter, so it can be addressed. If there really was any wrongdoing on the part of you or a subordinate under your leadership, then sincerely apologize for it. If there are misperceptions, miscommunications, or misunderstandings which contributed to the episode, then own the issue and apologize for that as well. Then, politely explain what actually occurred…and perhaps how this can be avoided in the future. Offer solutions or alternatives, if possible. Consider asking for some time to think about options which can be helpful. If there is nothing more to solve the issue, no alternatives nor solutions which can be offered, then consider having a follow up discussion at some later date, or perhaps apologize that under the circumstances, nothing more can be done but that you do not intend to cause anyone any pain or harm.
The key here is to remain calm and curious, respectful of the angered party, and attempt to diffuse the situation as best as possible. This is a much better alternative than getting into a shouting match with any of your parents, teachers, or team members.
